Love Is A Bitch

Confession time, Dear Reader.

I've been putting off telling you this because this story doesn't have an ending.

But now I think it's time.

Or is just that my fingers are betraying me by typing this out instead of the story I wanted to tell?

Either way I guess it's time to share something I've kept under wraps.

How do I tell you this?

And please don't judge me.

Here goes....I'm seeing a married man.

I've been "with" him for about a year.

Yes, I knew he was married when I started talking to him.

First, let's time travel back 20 years.

He was a boyfriend I had in high school. We dated for about 4-5 months. He was kind, generous and giving. But as young girls are wont to do I dumped him for someone older who had a car.

Now, 20 years later here we are again.

We found each other on Facebook.

He gave me his phone number within 5 minutes of friending each other.

I waited a week and then texted him.

That's how it started. This "affair".

He told me he was married, loved his wife but wasn't completely happy.

Thinking that this was just going to be a friendship I was there, a friend to talk to.

And he was there for me. I was going through some hard times and he was always there for me.

After a few months I fell in love with him. I told him. He said "What took you so long?" He told me he loved me too.

After that things just escalated. We were in contact with each other a couple of times a week.

Finally, things settled down in my life and I made the decision to move. I moved to the city he lives in. Some of my friends told me not to do it. I did it anyway.

 JH picked me up at the airport. We hugged and kissed each other.

Now that I'm here it's been hard. I have to face the fact that he is married. It was easy when we were thousands of miles away from each other. Now...it's real. I'm officially the "other woman". I'm officially seeing a married man.

We both have to live with the fact that he is cheating. He's not a cheater normally but I think it was the familiarity between us that did it.

I have to live with the fact that we can only see each other a few times a week. I have to live with the fact that if his wife calls when we're together I have to be super quiet. I have to live with the fact that it makes me feel bad when she does call or even when he talks about her. It makes it seem real, what I'm doing, what we're doing, in those moments.

Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I feel lonely. Other times I'm so busy that I don't think about it.

Before I moved I tried really hard to find someone else. To find someone who would help me let go of him. That's why I started dating. Those are the stories I'm telling you.

I couldn't find anyone. Or I should say the two men I did find who gave me some comfort in these mixed up feelings I have just didn't work out for some reason or another.

All signs kept pointing to me moving. So, I finally did.

JH is still like he was in high school - kind, generous and giving. I love him. I can't help it, I can't stop it.

You can call him a cad, a cheating scum-bag. You can call me a whore, a home-wrecker.

You would probably feel justified in doing so. I don't blame you, Dear Reader.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to stop seeing him.

I'm going to let things play out and see where this goes. After a year of talking and then finally being with each other I feel like I owe it to us. We deserve this.

We deserve each other.

And like I said...

Love is a bitch.

Stay tuned,
Shelby