I told you so

Here we go again.

He's back.

He walked and hitchhiked 150 miles to show up at my place of work.

I looked up and saw a guy standing there by the door. I did a double take and it was him!
The feeling that came over me was indescribable. I guess you could say my heart melted and my whole body started tingling. You know...that tingling you get when you see the love of your life. The love that changes your whole life.

I waved at him. He did the "Call me" sign. I nodded and said "Ok."

I texted him that I get off at 5:30. At 4:45 I started hustling my co-worker saying "Let's do this. I gotta go at 5:30." I hurriedly finished closing up, grabbed some food and rushed out of there.

I saw T.Y. walking down the street towards me. I walked towards him. He dropped his backpack and said "Give me a hug."

You better believe I did!

We then walked 8 miles back to my place. I gave him a clean towel so he could take a shower. I fed him. I hugged him again.

I told him what had happened that night after he had gotten arrested again. That I had looked through his phone. But that now I was sorry because I felt like I had violated his privacy. He said it wasn't my fault. That it was ok. He said everything was his fault and that he was sorry.

I asked if had had any visitors while in jail for those three weeks.

"No."

I said I felt like the other woman was just using him.

He looked at me sadly.

I said "Don't take advantage of me because you know I care about you."

"I won't."

We then talked to A.A.

T.Y. told him "I owe you a lot for taking care of Shelby."

He told me I was a good person.

We then went to bed.

I laid there next to him with my hand on his stomach and said "It's so good to see you again."

"It's good to see you too." He replied.

The next day I fed him some more and let him rest.

That night Bear came back to my house because A.A. had had him.

We were all together again. Just like I knew we would be.

Monday morning he walked me to the bus stop so I could catch the bus to work.

He hugged me and said "I can receive and make calls. I can also get passes to leave. Keep in touch."

I told him that I was going to tell him the same thing. To keep in touch and to take care of himself.

He said "Don't act like this is the end. We are in the same town."

"Right." I replied.

"You are such a cool person and you saved my life. Again." He whispered to me.

You're damn right I am and did!

But of course I didn't tell him that.

"Call me when you get off work." He told me as my bus pulled up.

"I will."

We made plans to for me to write a book about him. I said that I would do it. And besides that will give me an excuse to visit him.

So....you're probably wondering what this whole 'pass to leave - I'll visit you" talk is.

See, T.Y. is checking into a military hospital to get the he needs. The help he knows he needs.

He had told me that he had to lose everything to realize that he really needs help.

I am really glad that he decided to do this.

I am really glad that we are back in the same city again.

I texted him tonight after work: "Sleep well....and no nightmares."

"You too."

He knows I get bad nightmares when I sleep in complete darkness with no one next to me.

I know that he gets bad nightmares from what he experienced in the war.

I really love him. And always will.

I told you.

I looked into his eyes.

And I'm back.

We're together again.

Stay tuned,
Shelby

Love Takes A Nasty Turn

Hello once again, Dear Reader.

I've been absent for a while, I know.

But be rest assured that my love life has not settled down. Not in the slightest.

I've been hanging out with Him - T.Y.

Well....was hanging out.

August was such a crazy month, I almost don't even know where to begin.

I left JH (for the time being) because we couldn't spend as much time together as we wanted. Plus the lying to his wife and the guilt he was feeling about not being able to be with me as much as he felt I deserved was getting to him.

So, I left to give us a little space.

And of course, like a moth to a flame I found myself back with T.Y.

The first night I was with him He kept hugging and kissing me saying "I'm sorry." When I would ask what he was sorry for he wouldn't answer.

That first night was great. We were back together. I was very happy. We ended up spending three days together.

On the third day, I go to leave and for some reason my car wouldn't start. He leaves to go run some errands and tells me I can stay till I figure out what's wrong with my car. While he's gone I sit on the couch and have thoughts of calling in to work to be able to spend the day with Him.

T.Y. calls and ask if my car had started yet. I answer "No" and he then informs me that a "friend" is coming over in an hour and that it would be awkward if the two of us met.

Wait. WHAT?!

I'm like "ooookaayy?", hang up, go to check on my car and, lo and behold, it starts right up. I hightail it out of there. On the way I text him and ask if this is a "friend" he is sleeping with. He answers...."yes."

I go home and cry. And get mad.

I make up my mind to not call or text him again. Ever.

Wellll....I do send him a quick text about a week later to say...."I've never been very good at sharing."

He doesn't answer. He just disappears for like two weeks.

One night after work I check my phone and there are like 12 missed calls from him and a text saying "Come over."

I call back.

I go over to his house.

He had been gone for awhile. He had come back with a dog. We call him Patton.

I end up going over every day after work for four days. We talk. He keeps asking why I like him so much. I say "I just do. Accept it." I tell him I love him. He whispers back "I love you."

We end up drinking a lot. I go to work hung over. Go to his house afterwards and drink some more. Every day he asks me again why I like him. Every day he tells me his a bad person.

On the fifth day I don't go over. I head straight home after work. I'm tired and just really hung over.

I find out later that night that he has been arrested. I'm not really sure what the details are. All I know is that know I can't sleep. I'm worried.

The next day I call the jail, find out about the arraignment later that day and go to work. I leave work after 2 hours and go to the courthouse for his arraignment. I'm the only one there for him. I find out about the charges. I almost cry when I see him all shackled and in that pathetic orange suit. He doesn't know that I am there because he talks to the Judge by video-call.

Later on, I talk to the bail bondsman and find out that no one has come forward to bail him out.

I do it. I pay $200 to bail him out.

When the bail bondsman goes to pick him from jail, T.Y. asks "Who did this? Did you get a hold of my dad?" The bondsman answers "No. Shelby did it." T.Y. is completely shocked. He had no idea that I knew what happened. Remember....he couldn't see me at the courthouse.

When he sees me he gives me a hug. I take him home.

He says "I was so happy to see you."

I say "You were just happy to get out."

He says "No. I was happy to see you. I don't know why you care about me. No one else does."

Again, I answer "because I just do."

That night I find out what really happened. T.Y. had been with another woman. Things went haywire over there and she called the cops. They caught him drinking and driving. He received a DUI, of course. Part of the court order was that he couldn't drink anymore and that he can't contact this other woman.

I silently cry that night. He asks me to rub his back, I say "No."

"Did you just say no?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"I don't feel like it."

"Are you mad at me?"

"Yes."

He gets up and sits on the coffee table.

I say, "I'm on the verge of shutting down and walking away from you."

He doesn't say anything.

The next day, I wake up feeling refreshed and completely calm. I go home for a couple of hours. I call my mother and tell her that I'm done with T.Y and I'm moving (again!). She asks what I'm going to do. I say I'll figure it out.

I go back to T.Y's house and tell him that this is my last day with him so let's make it a good one.

Now, the night before and today he is really depressed. He keeps telling me that if anything happens to him to please take care of Patton.  I say "of course, but nothing is going to happen to you."

The rest of the day and night we play with the dog, we drink.

I end up crying and asking him "I'm the person who cares about you. Why do you crap on me? Why do you push me away?"

He starts crying and says "Maybe because I care about you soooo much. You are the most beautiful person, inside and out."

I spend the night. The next morning I leave.

I go to the river and sit and ask the universe to please help me. Help me get away from him. I can't do it on my own.

Later on that night, he calls me and asks me to come over. I say....."yes". Of course.

Again he tells me that I'm beautiful - in every way and that if anything happens to him to take care of Patton.

About two hours later, the cops show up and arrest him. Again. He had been texting the other woman, asking her to drop the charges. I'm left alone at his house. Crying.

I find his phone on the counter. I decide to go through it. There is no password.

I find a whole secret life. Text messages to a bunch of different girls. I'm no longer crying. I'm pissed!

I go home the next day and take Patton. And a sweater of his.

I find out the original owner of Patton and call him. Tell him that I have Patton (real name is Bear) and that I would like to return him.

We end up texting and talking all day.

Later on that night, he asks me to move in to his house while he's away. Now....get this....it's in the same town that I was previously thinking of moving to!!

I say...."Yes!"

I move in the next day.

I've been alone for about two weeks now.  I take care of Bear and look for work. I think less and less about T.Y. We really were to intrinsically alike, kindred spirits -if you will. But, I'm not helping him out this time. I have to finally move on.

Like that One Republic songs says: "I loved you with a fire red...now it's turning blue."

That is how I'm beginning to finally feel.

Last I heard he was still in jail. No one has bailed him out. Where are all these other women at now, huh?

Part of me, though.......

.....is afraid.....

.....afraid that if I saw him. Looked into his blue eyes.....

.....I would fall right back into it.


Stay tuned,
Shelby

In A Trance-Like State

Hello, Dear Reader.

No, I haven't run out of stories to tell you.

This is one that is just beginning.

I've been preoccupied the past couple of weeks with someone I met.

He is unbelievably gorgeous!!

He has got full lips, puppy dog brown eyes and the most infectious cute smile. I love to see him smile.

Oh...and he's quite a bit younger than I am. Let's say about...12 years younger.

If I could show you a picture of him...you would understand.

When I see M.Y.'s face I forget everything I wanted to tell him. When I see him smile all reason goes out the window.

We have so much in common. It makes me wonder if he is really mature for his age....or am I really immature?!

Maybe a little of both!

So...what's the catch?

Have any of you ever seen the movie Trance?

If you said "yes", then you will know what I'm talking about.

If you said "no", then I have a quote for you, from a wise old Jedi named Yoda.

"Love leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

Ok...maybe he didn't say it quite that way! I might have added the part about love.

On Friday I realized how much M.Y was like Simon in the movie Trance.

It's a lot like this:

"I love you.

You are seeing someone else.

I love you.

Why are you ignoring me?

I love you.

I want you.

I think you love someone else.

I love you.

You have the face of an angel.

I'm mad at you.

I love you.

I don't know about this.

I miss you so much all the time.

I love you.

I'm leaving you.

Just kidding.

I'll never let you down.

I love you."

This is just on his end.

On my end:

"I'm not seeing anyone else.

I really did fall asleep.

I'm not cheating on you.

I only tell you the truth.

I want to be with you too.

I'm not seeing anyone else."

On Friday, I felt anxiety. I wasn't sure if it was mine or if I was feeling his.

I know what you will say.

If I was smart I'd get out now.

I'm not that smart.

A part of me wants to see what will happen next. Like how far will this go?

The bigger part of me stays because his smile gets to me.

I'm intrigued.

The day that I feel asleep when I woke up I had about 10 texts from him:

"It's been 10 minutes.

Where are you?

18 minutes.

Are you ignoring me?

32 minutes.

You said to give you a minute.

1 hour.

An hour. Really?"

I find myself constantly reassuring M.Y.

I find his fear, his anxiety is rubbing off on me.

Instead of just having fun, I find myself asking "Does he really love me? Is he seeing anyone else? He's going on holiday this week....what if he finds someone else?

Maddening!

But I'm not running. I'm not leaving.

Not yet.

What is funny/not funny is when I saw Trance I wondered what it would be like to be loved like that.

I think I'm beginning to find out.


Stay tuned,
Shelby

Love Is A Bitch

Confession time, Dear Reader.

I've been putting off telling you this because this story doesn't have an ending.

But now I think it's time.

Or is just that my fingers are betraying me by typing this out instead of the story I wanted to tell?

Either way I guess it's time to share something I've kept under wraps.

How do I tell you this?

And please don't judge me.

Here goes....I'm seeing a married man.

I've been "with" him for about a year.

Yes, I knew he was married when I started talking to him.

First, let's time travel back 20 years.

He was a boyfriend I had in high school. We dated for about 4-5 months. He was kind, generous and giving. But as young girls are wont to do I dumped him for someone older who had a car.

Now, 20 years later here we are again.

We found each other on Facebook.

He gave me his phone number within 5 minutes of friending each other.

I waited a week and then texted him.

That's how it started. This "affair".

He told me he was married, loved his wife but wasn't completely happy.

Thinking that this was just going to be a friendship I was there, a friend to talk to.

And he was there for me. I was going through some hard times and he was always there for me.

After a few months I fell in love with him. I told him. He said "What took you so long?" He told me he loved me too.

After that things just escalated. We were in contact with each other a couple of times a week.

Finally, things settled down in my life and I made the decision to move. I moved to the city he lives in. Some of my friends told me not to do it. I did it anyway.

 JH picked me up at the airport. We hugged and kissed each other.

Now that I'm here it's been hard. I have to face the fact that he is married. It was easy when we were thousands of miles away from each other. Now...it's real. I'm officially the "other woman". I'm officially seeing a married man.

We both have to live with the fact that he is cheating. He's not a cheater normally but I think it was the familiarity between us that did it.

I have to live with the fact that we can only see each other a few times a week. I have to live with the fact that if his wife calls when we're together I have to be super quiet. I have to live with the fact that it makes me feel bad when she does call or even when he talks about her. It makes it seem real, what I'm doing, what we're doing, in those moments.

Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I feel lonely. Other times I'm so busy that I don't think about it.

Before I moved I tried really hard to find someone else. To find someone who would help me let go of him. That's why I started dating. Those are the stories I'm telling you.

I couldn't find anyone. Or I should say the two men I did find who gave me some comfort in these mixed up feelings I have just didn't work out for some reason or another.

All signs kept pointing to me moving. So, I finally did.

JH is still like he was in high school - kind, generous and giving. I love him. I can't help it, I can't stop it.

You can call him a cad, a cheating scum-bag. You can call me a whore, a home-wrecker.

You would probably feel justified in doing so. I don't blame you, Dear Reader.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to stop seeing him.

I'm going to let things play out and see where this goes. After a year of talking and then finally being with each other I feel like I owe it to us. We deserve this.

We deserve each other.

And like I said...

Love is a bitch.

Stay tuned,
Shelby

The Curious Story of Oliver and Lila

Hello once again, Dear Reader.

Please excuse my long absence.

I've been making a radical change in my life.

I have recently moved to a new city, a new state. It has required some adjustments, to say the least.

But...that is not why you are here, to read about my current state of affairs.

But instead to hear the juicy details of my dating life.

And so I shall deliver.

This is a story about Oliver and Lila.

Just who is Oliver and Lila? You ask.

Lila is me, Dear Reader. Oliver is the man I had been talking to.

We had been communicating for about three weeks or so before I finally had to break it off.

Let's back up shall we?

I "met" Oliver on a dating site. We exchanged messages like crazy.

At first it was innocent enough. I really wasn't interested in anything more.

He became a friend in my mind.

A silly kind of friend. He wanted us to call each other by our favorite names.

I chose Oliver for him - as in Oliver Twist.

He chose Lila for me - from August Rush.

Okay. Whatever. I'm game.

He is an unhappily married man.

(Stick around, Dear Reader, you may find that married men will be a reoccurring theme.)

I'm a single woman with an active dating life.

We started talking about the intimate details of our lives.

Well...he asked questions, I answered.

We never exchanged pictures so the anonymous factor helped me open up and tell him things I normally wouldn't have.

Maybe I told him too much.

Soon he wanted my phone number.

Being the dummy that I am I consented and gave it to him.

Maybe that was a bad idea.

He called me right away. We had a normal conversation about what was going on with us.

But...I could tell that while I was talking that he was...ahem...how do I put this delicately?

Ummm...having fun with himself?

It was a bit disconcerting.

But did I quit talking to him?

No.

Oliver called a couple of days later and wanted my help. (I'm blushing right now as I write this)

Dear Reader you are smart, I'm sure you can figure it out.

Did I "help" him?

Yes.

Did I quit talking to him?

No.

A week passes. Oliver texts me everyday. Soon, he wants to know more and more about my dating/sex life. I keep telling him. I'm having fun.

One day I don't tell him everything. I tell him that what I do with a certain person is personal and if I tell him it won't feel special.

Oliver flips out. Doesn't get angry but depressed. He threatens to do himself in.

I now realize this fun little semi-anonymous exchange has now reached epic proportions. Obsessive proportions. On his end.

Oliver has become obsessed with me and what I'm doing.

I feel bad. Not scared. And a part of me feels guilty for not telling him everything. In fact, he texts me that very thing: 'I thought we told each other everything.'

We exchange texts for over an hour. I send him jokes and feel like I did my job on making him feel better.

Do I quit talking to him?

No. Not yet.

We talk on the phone a few days after that. Again, it's a conversation that I feel like I should get paid for.

Now here it comes. I've been thinking of his little episode. I don't have time in my life to deal with that. I send him a text saying: 'My privacy and morals have finally caught up to me and I don't think we should talk anymore.'

Again, Oliver gets depressed. 'Wow! What did I do to deserve that! You just made me instantly depressed, Lila.'

How does one respond to that?

Diplomatically, of course. 'You didn't do anything. It's me.'

And that is it.

Or was it.

Four days later Oliver texts me.

Do I answer?

Yes.

Do I quit talking to him?

No.

Stay tuned,
Shelby

Update on Him...you know...The One

I got a phone call on Sunday.

I was in the middle of a date.

I heard that all too familiar ringtone.

That ringtone that I haven't heard for about two weeks. The ringtone I thought I would never hear again.

Hurriedly grabbed my phone from my purse. Looked at my date and said "Excuse me, I have to take this."

Because you know when He calls I always answer. Even if I'm in the process of getting to know someone else.

He's still that important to me.

I walked a few feet away and answered.

His voice on the line. My heart in my throat.

He asked where I was. I replied that I had moved. Didn't He remember? I told Him the last time that I was moving that week.

But all that was forgiven as I heard His voice. Low and scratchy. I knew He hadn't been sleeping. I knew He was upset about something. I could hear it. I could feel it.

As He told me His troubles I felt helpless. Helpless with a touch of panicky-caged-animal feeling because I was so far away and couldn't go straight to His house.

I wanted to help Him. I wanted to do something. Anything.

If He had told me to come back I would have. I would have booked the next flight out of this city that I'm really beginning to like and go back.

That would not have been a smart move, I know this, but at that very moment I would've done anything He asked.

We finished talking. I hung up. I walked back to my date.

My date looked at me concerned and asked if I was alright. I guess I had a look on my face. That certain just-got-done-talking-to-Him look that I know so well. I've seen it before. On my own face.

I told him that Yes, I was fine.

I really wasn't. I felt wrung-out. Again. I felt like crying. Again. 

He hadn't asked me to come back. He didn't say that He missed me. Although, I know that He does. Why else would He call? I'm the one that comforts Him and listens to Him without judgment or without interrupting by telling Him what I think He should do.

I just listen.

I just care too much.

Stay tuned,
Shelby

The One I Can't Forget

I told myself that I wouldn't mention Him.

The one I can't forget.

We all have someone in our past like that.

Someone that just shook us to the core.

But here I am. Sitting alone with a glass of wine, listening to Depeche Mode and feeling maudlin.

Yes, Dear Reader, even I get lonely and sad sometimes.

I have met a few men in this new city.

And they are nice, hospitable, funny men.

Here's the kicker...

I compare each and every one to Him.

It's not fair, I know. Whoever said life was fair? Certainly not I.

Not one of these men make me feel the way He did.

I didn't love Him, but I was damn close to it.

Maybe I did love Him. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself when I say I didn't - that I just cared very deeply for Him.

Then why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling?

The last time I saw Him I shed a few tears in His bed after He fell asleep.

Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration. At myself. At Him.

I laid there and thought "Why did I come back? Why did I allow myself to be dragged back into his world?"

Because I'm a dummy, that's why.

Because I couldn't let go.

Because I jumped when He called and ran right over.

We were perfect for each other. We understood each other. The very essence of what makes us tick.

We are too much alike.

It would have been a toxic relationship if it had continued.

I know that. But oh, how I wanted it.

He would call me when He needed comfort. He would get close to me. Get scared then push me away.

Then a few days later He would call me again.

The last time, that heart breaking last time I saw Him, was bittersweet.

I hadn't seen Him for about two weeks. Then He texted me. Said He would pick me up.

I agreed to meet at a local pizza place.

He got there just mere minutes before me. And I might add calling me telling me He hated to wait.

I saw Him walk in. I waited.

I walked in and saw Him standing there. My stomach dropped, my heart rose. All those feelings came rushing back.

I went home with Him. I spent the night.

Four days later I moved.

Now, here I am....comparing everyone to Him.

Will that pain ever go away?

Will I ever find someone that makes me feel again?

Stay tuned,
Shelby

Cupid

Oh, Cupid...how he makes fools of us all.


And no, I'm not talking about that chubby little cherub who slings arrows your way.


I'm talking about his confusing, addicting, enticing twin - Internet Cupid.


I, Shelby Davis, am here to admit and share to you my Internet Cupid stories and adventures.


A hard breakup pushed me into looking for love on the internet and...*sigh*...I'm still looking.


Dear Reader my hope is that by sharing these "adventures" you will have a better understanding of the male mind.


One: they are married but won't tell you until it's too late.


Two: they are married, in an open relationship and want you to meet their wives.


Three: they are just out of a relationship and are still nursing their broken hearts.


Four: they want you to be accomplished actresses by roleplaying in several different roles.


Five: they get so drunk that they don't remember texting you from the night before.


Six: they are just plain bizarre.


So far, two months into my internet cupid search I have found every one of the aforementioned.




Stay tuned...
Shelby