The One I Can't Forget

I told myself that I wouldn't mention Him.

The one I can't forget.

We all have someone in our past like that.

Someone that just shook us to the core.

But here I am. Sitting alone with a glass of wine, listening to Depeche Mode and feeling maudlin.

Yes, Dear Reader, even I get lonely and sad sometimes.

I have met a few men in this new city.

And they are nice, hospitable, funny men.

Here's the kicker...

I compare each and every one to Him.

It's not fair, I know. Whoever said life was fair? Certainly not I.

Not one of these men make me feel the way He did.

I didn't love Him, but I was damn close to it.

Maybe I did love Him. Maybe I'm just trying to protect myself when I say I didn't - that I just cared very deeply for Him.

Then why do I have this gut-wrenching feeling?

The last time I saw Him I shed a few tears in His bed after He fell asleep.

Tears of sadness. Tears of frustration. At myself. At Him.

I laid there and thought "Why did I come back? Why did I allow myself to be dragged back into his world?"

Because I'm a dummy, that's why.

Because I couldn't let go.

Because I jumped when He called and ran right over.

We were perfect for each other. We understood each other. The very essence of what makes us tick.

We are too much alike.

It would have been a toxic relationship if it had continued.

I know that. But oh, how I wanted it.

He would call me when He needed comfort. He would get close to me. Get scared then push me away.

Then a few days later He would call me again.

The last time, that heart breaking last time I saw Him, was bittersweet.

I hadn't seen Him for about two weeks. Then He texted me. Said He would pick me up.

I agreed to meet at a local pizza place.

He got there just mere minutes before me. And I might add calling me telling me He hated to wait.

I saw Him walk in. I waited.

I walked in and saw Him standing there. My stomach dropped, my heart rose. All those feelings came rushing back.

I went home with Him. I spent the night.

Four days later I moved.

Now, here I am....comparing everyone to Him.

Will that pain ever go away?

Will I ever find someone that makes me feel again?

Stay tuned,
Shelby