In A Trance-Like State

Hello, Dear Reader.

No, I haven't run out of stories to tell you.

This is one that is just beginning.

I've been preoccupied the past couple of weeks with someone I met.

He is unbelievably gorgeous!!

He has got full lips, puppy dog brown eyes and the most infectious cute smile. I love to see him smile.

Oh...and he's quite a bit younger than I am. Let's say about...12 years younger.

If I could show you a picture of him...you would understand.

When I see M.Y.'s face I forget everything I wanted to tell him. When I see him smile all reason goes out the window.

We have so much in common. It makes me wonder if he is really mature for his age....or am I really immature?!

Maybe a little of both!

So...what's the catch?

Have any of you ever seen the movie Trance?

If you said "yes", then you will know what I'm talking about.

If you said "no", then I have a quote for you, from a wise old Jedi named Yoda.

"Love leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering."

Ok...maybe he didn't say it quite that way! I might have added the part about love.

On Friday I realized how much M.Y was like Simon in the movie Trance.

It's a lot like this:

"I love you.

You are seeing someone else.

I love you.

Why are you ignoring me?

I love you.

I want you.

I think you love someone else.

I love you.

You have the face of an angel.

I'm mad at you.

I love you.

I don't know about this.

I miss you so much all the time.

I love you.

I'm leaving you.

Just kidding.

I'll never let you down.

I love you."

This is just on his end.

On my end:

"I'm not seeing anyone else.

I really did fall asleep.

I'm not cheating on you.

I only tell you the truth.

I want to be with you too.

I'm not seeing anyone else."

On Friday, I felt anxiety. I wasn't sure if it was mine or if I was feeling his.

I know what you will say.

If I was smart I'd get out now.

I'm not that smart.

A part of me wants to see what will happen next. Like how far will this go?

The bigger part of me stays because his smile gets to me.

I'm intrigued.

The day that I feel asleep when I woke up I had about 10 texts from him:

"It's been 10 minutes.

Where are you?

18 minutes.

Are you ignoring me?

32 minutes.

You said to give you a minute.

1 hour.

An hour. Really?"

I find myself constantly reassuring M.Y.

I find his fear, his anxiety is rubbing off on me.

Instead of just having fun, I find myself asking "Does he really love me? Is he seeing anyone else? He's going on holiday this week....what if he finds someone else?

Maddening!

But I'm not running. I'm not leaving.

Not yet.

What is funny/not funny is when I saw Trance I wondered what it would be like to be loved like that.

I think I'm beginning to find out.


Stay tuned,
Shelby

Love Is A Bitch

Confession time, Dear Reader.

I've been putting off telling you this because this story doesn't have an ending.

But now I think it's time.

Or is just that my fingers are betraying me by typing this out instead of the story I wanted to tell?

Either way I guess it's time to share something I've kept under wraps.

How do I tell you this?

And please don't judge me.

Here goes....I'm seeing a married man.

I've been "with" him for about a year.

Yes, I knew he was married when I started talking to him.

First, let's time travel back 20 years.

He was a boyfriend I had in high school. We dated for about 4-5 months. He was kind, generous and giving. But as young girls are wont to do I dumped him for someone older who had a car.

Now, 20 years later here we are again.

We found each other on Facebook.

He gave me his phone number within 5 minutes of friending each other.

I waited a week and then texted him.

That's how it started. This "affair".

He told me he was married, loved his wife but wasn't completely happy.

Thinking that this was just going to be a friendship I was there, a friend to talk to.

And he was there for me. I was going through some hard times and he was always there for me.

After a few months I fell in love with him. I told him. He said "What took you so long?" He told me he loved me too.

After that things just escalated. We were in contact with each other a couple of times a week.

Finally, things settled down in my life and I made the decision to move. I moved to the city he lives in. Some of my friends told me not to do it. I did it anyway.

 JH picked me up at the airport. We hugged and kissed each other.

Now that I'm here it's been hard. I have to face the fact that he is married. It was easy when we were thousands of miles away from each other. Now...it's real. I'm officially the "other woman". I'm officially seeing a married man.

We both have to live with the fact that he is cheating. He's not a cheater normally but I think it was the familiarity between us that did it.

I have to live with the fact that we can only see each other a few times a week. I have to live with the fact that if his wife calls when we're together I have to be super quiet. I have to live with the fact that it makes me feel bad when she does call or even when he talks about her. It makes it seem real, what I'm doing, what we're doing, in those moments.

Sometimes I feel guilty. Sometimes I don't.

Sometimes I feel lonely. Other times I'm so busy that I don't think about it.

Before I moved I tried really hard to find someone else. To find someone who would help me let go of him. That's why I started dating. Those are the stories I'm telling you.

I couldn't find anyone. Or I should say the two men I did find who gave me some comfort in these mixed up feelings I have just didn't work out for some reason or another.

All signs kept pointing to me moving. So, I finally did.

JH is still like he was in high school - kind, generous and giving. I love him. I can't help it, I can't stop it.

You can call him a cad, a cheating scum-bag. You can call me a whore, a home-wrecker.

You would probably feel justified in doing so. I don't blame you, Dear Reader.

Here's the thing though...I'm not going to stop seeing him.

I'm going to let things play out and see where this goes. After a year of talking and then finally being with each other I feel like I owe it to us. We deserve this.

We deserve each other.

And like I said...

Love is a bitch.

Stay tuned,
Shelby